The L Word

I am a deeply passionate person. I am also highly empathetic, which for most of my life felt like more of a curse than a blessing. I like spending time with people, getting to know them and making meaningful connections. I crave real intimacy with others and if you truly understand what I mean by that, it’s not all about sex or getting off on kinky things. This is the main reason why I am a skeptic when it comes to declarations of love.

It’s not a word I use casually and it surprises me how so many use it so non-chalantly. I don’t claim to know what others are really feeling, but it strikes me as disingenuous to drop the L word after you have known each other for a short time. Even in SL time, a few days or a week is way too soon and for me, it’s meaningless. I mean, I get that being intimate with someone and sharing your secret fantasies takes a certain level of trust and willingness to let yourself be vulnerable, but does this translate to love?

Maybe I’ve hardened after 9 years in SL. I’ve been fooled before and fallen for grand declarations of love only to have my heart broken. Maybe I have just become a big old cynic.

One thing I know for sure is that if I’m dropping the L word, you will already know how I feel by my actions over time, that I am for real and not just playing at a game with a stranger on the other side of my computer.

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Fuck the patriarchy

So I quit my job at one so-called “high class” escort club. Too many fucking rules and demanding, entitled customers ruining my fun. So I found some freelance clubs to work at. They aren’t the classiest places and this doesn’t guarantee that I won’t get shitty customers, but at least I can make my own rules. My body (even though I am pixels), my rules. I make my own decisions. I’ve had enough of entitled men telling me what to do and how to do it. And I still make good $L’s if not more now. So they can all go fuck themselves for free if they want.

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More to love

In the real world, monogamy is the default for relationship standards which I think is unrealistic. I mean, it’s a lot to expect that one person can fulfill all of your needs for the rest of your life. It’s big expectations to put on one person, which in my experience, has led to big disappointment and heartache.

So polyamory sounded like something I wanted to explore within the safe confines of SL. When you are conditioned to believe that monogamy is the default, it takes a lot to figure out how to navigate this kind of relationship while being open and honest and aware of yours and your partners feelings. It’s a lot more work than I expected. Or, it seems like a lot more work because the level of honesty and communication required to make it work is not something that I or most people are used to. It requires stepping out of your comfort zone on a regular basis and in all honesty, it’s completely exhausting. The thought has crossed my mind…is it worth it?

And then I think of the level of intimacy I feel with particular persons, and I say that it is nothing like I have ever experienced before. I’m not talking about sexual intimacy, although that can be a part of it, but not all of it. It’s about feeling so connected and close to another person, in ways that I didn’t think were possible, especially not out in the real world. I feel that it’s safe to let my guard down and show parts of myself that have been locked away for ages.

I’ve never been one to feel at a loss for words, but right now I am finding it difficult to fully articulate my thoughts and feelings about this.

I have a lot of work to do within myself about my own judgments and shame about exploring this part of myself. For the first time in my life I am contemplating the concept that maybe it’s okay to freely love more. Maybe I really can have all or more of my emotional needs fulfilled in an intimate relationship, and maybe it’s ok that it’s not with just one person. Maybe.

Dear diary, I had my first threesome

Well, not my actual first but first in a very long time and my first threesome as a working professional.

It was…wild, exciting, exhilarating, nerve wracking, erotic, sensual, sexy and totally unexpected. I felt unprepared but I figured the opportunity was there so why not? When I first came back to SL I told myself I wanted this time around to be completely different, and it certainly has been unfolding in some very unexpected ways.

I feel……sensual, sexy, free and completely uninhibited.

I don’t know what is more addicting…the fun sexy time and the high I feel afterwards, or the $L’s I get paid for it.

Mostly Harmless

You know, being around SL for nine years I feel pretty confident in saying I have seen a lot. There is not much that can really shock me. In fact, I left SL for a long time because everything just became too predictable and boring. A big reason for taking up stripping was because I was looking for some stimulation, and I’m not talking about the sexual kind. Well, maybe a little of that too 😉

I certainly come into contact with some interesting avatars and the people behind them are even more fascinating. There are the regulars who come in to see their favourite girls. There are the stragglers who linger at the landing point and never make it past the door. There are the wanderers who come in for a looksee. Some of them come back again, others don’t. The ones who do come in have their specific preferences, fantasies, fetishes and desires to fulfill. None of these things are particularly shocking or surprising to me. I would categorize these interactions under “harmless”. No. “Mostly harmless”.

Funny, the customers that do surprise me are the quiet ones who come in, fill my tip jar and just want me to hop my avatar in their lap and talk about random stuff like how their day was. No sexy emotes, nothing like that at all.  It’s not that I think this is weird. In fact it is totally normal. It just surprises me that of all the so-called “respectable” places in SL, it’s at a titty club where I have met some of the most interesting strangers who are just looking to fulfill a desire to connect with someone for a short while.

I feel a little bad and I want to tell them that they don’t have to pay me for a chat, but that would be bad for business.

The Watcher

Up until just a few days ago, I don’t think the topic of voyeurism ever crossed my mind. If it ever did, it was fleeting and not of much interest to me.

Until one day last week I was up in my skybox apartment and I noticed I was being watched. And it wasn’t just a quick peek. The little look at target from his cam was right on me following me as I moved around. I’m not some crazy privacy freak. I mean it is Second Life after all. Is anything we do here really private from watching eyes? So I decided to send him a friendly message saying hi and let him know that camming was not allowed here and that some people get really upset about it. He was apologetic in his response and we started chatting.

Over the course of a few days, we chatted, and eventually we ended up hanging out. I learned that he was a sub, collared to a mistress who basically controlled his SL. I’m not one to be judgmental but I was curious and our chats mostly consisted of me badgering him with questions and him explaining. I’m not going to try and say that I was totally innocent. I did change my clothes while he was watching. I am a stripper after all so being nude is not a big deal at all. Whatever. I dug out my old Xcite! Ass spanker from years ago and we just played around with it. It was just silly nonsense and we had some good laughs.

Until the next day I logged in to an angry message from his mistress accusing me of trying to steal her man and all hell broke loose. How was I supposed to know that he was her pet and that his collar reported everything said in local chat back to her? He was camming me! It’s not like I was looking to cause trouble. Although now I have to wonder if he was actively seeking trouble for some kind of thrill.

Anyway, long story short, she called me some nasty names, and she blocked him from sending and receiving i.m’s from me. This was days ago and they are still my neighbours. He is unable to message me and is still camming me. This whole situation could be easily solved. I could mute her. I could report him to the sim owner and get them kicked out. He could easily log onto an alt to message me but he hasn’t and at this point I don’t expect that he will.

All I can think of is that he enjoys this situation. Is there some kind of arousal happening from not being able to go anywhere, not being able to message me, but just watching when I am up in my skybox? Is it something about wanting something and not being able to have it?

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I haven’t been able to stop thinking about this, mostly because I feel like I am getting something out of this situation too, but I can’t figure out what.  It makes me wonder who is watching who? Who is longing for something they can’t have, something that is so close but just out of reach. I watch his name on my radar and I see his look at target on me and I continue with what I normally do while standing around in my skybox – changing my clothes, creating new outfits to wear to the clubs I work at, and chatting. Sometimes I get new sensual dances and try them out while naked, completely aware that I am being watched.

This morning I logged on quickly before leaving for work and I received a notice that my rental was about to expire. I was thinking about moving because I would like a place where I can change the radio stream. I could also get a place where camming is blocked. I’ve been looking around and I have a landmark in my inventory with available rentals.

I checked the time so as not to be late for work. I finished my cup of coffee and clicked the rental box and stared at the options available to me. ‘End Rental’ or “Pay Rent”. It would be so easy to put an end to this all right then and there.

I decided to stay and paid for another week. I logged out and headed out into the real world where I am just another person blending into the crowded streets of a big bustling city where nobody notices me or even cares to know my name.

The lost art of profile writing and conversation

As an exotic dancer in SL, you spend a lot of time watching your radar and local chat for customers coming in. Some of them linger at the landing point and either don’t see you saying hi or they ignore you. Others come in and chit chat and hang out. Very few of them actually come in to spend $L’s. The ones that do are regulars and are generally big spenders with their favourite girls. I usually get a make-up tip like “here’s something for you too so you don’t feel left out” kind of thing. It’s fine. I’ll take it and I appreciate it.

Since I’m watching the radar so closely, I have become obsessive about reading profiles. Empty profiles…yawn. Profiles with all those weird symbols, italics, and strange fonts…ugh. I don’t bother because first of all, my eyes are old and reading  about your Daddy, your master, or how I shouldn’t fuck with you because you don’t like drama, is not worth straining my eyesight for. Second of all – GROW UP!. No one gives shit about your big Daddy, your weird fetishes or how tough you really are. If you have to put in your profile, it means you’re not.

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The profiles I do enjoy are long enough to be interesting but not novels, are written in normal font, are funny, they hint at what you’re into but don’t give me all the answers. A good profile makes me want to know more. Sadly, I rarely see ones that are as inviting as this. Whatever happened to the art of writing a good profile? I suppose if you’re a guy just wandering around SL asking random female avatars if they “wanna fuck?” why would you even think to put some effort into it or to making polite, flirtatious conversation for that matter?

Here’s some practical and common sense feedback for any men out there reading…this kind of crude and primitive mating call, is not at all enticing nor inspiring to get intimate with you. Even as a “working girl”, your chances of getting lucky increase astronomically if you take just a little bit of time and make a genuine effort to treat me like a lady.